When you have been told to let it go once too often
Position
Sitting or lying, but stay alert
Style
A short talk, then a guided practice with your hands. Music underneath
Try to let go of a thought right now. Really try. It is still there, and now you are annoyed about it as well.
About 16 minutes, a short talk then a meditation.
Letting go asks you to hold the thing in mind so you can check whether you have dropped it. It is do not think of a red bus, every time. Acceptance says something else. This is here, I see you, you can stay. The struggle was the fuel. Take the struggle away and what is left is just what is.
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Thank you for sitting with me.
Steven
Who this is for
Try to let go of a thought right now. Really try. Push it out.
It is still there, and now you are annoyed about it as well. That is not you failing. Letting go asks you to hold the thing in mind so you can keep checking whether you have dropped it.
For anybody who has been given that instruction and found it makes things worse.
What happens in this meditation
There is a short talk first about why let go does not work, and a small experiment so you feel it rather than take my word for it.
Then you bring back the same niggle and find where it sits in the body. You turn towards it the way you would turn towards an upset friend, not to fix them, and say quietly: I see you. You are here. That is okay.
Then you try the pushing again, briefly, so you can feel the difference. Then hands, clenched into fists and slowly opened, palms up.
How to get the most from it
Sixteen minutes, and stay alert rather than comfortable. This one asks you to notice a contrast, so drifting off loses it.
Pick something niggling rather than the biggest thing you own. A conversation that went badly. Something unresolved. The mechanism shows up more clearly at low stakes.
The open hands are worth keeping. You can do that part anywhere in about four seconds.
Questions people ask
Is acceptance just giving up?
No. Giving up is walking away. This is putting down one end of a tug of war you were pulling both ends of.
What if the feeling gets stronger when I turn towards it?
That happens and it usually passes. You are not trying to change it. Stay with it and let it do what it does.
Will the thought eventually go?
Often, and not because you pushed it. It lets go of you once your body stops flagging it as urgent, and that takes as long as it takes.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
letting-go · acceptance · overthinking
Read the transcript
Welcome to the open hand, a different way of letting go. I'm
Steven Webb. Just allow yourself to become comfortable. Allow
your body to settle in. You can sit, lie down or whatever your
body feels like right now. I want you to stay quite alert if possible.
There's no perfect position for this. And your body knows how
to relax, if we just allow the body to relax. Allow your shoulders
and your arms and your fingers. And while you're allowing
the body to relax, just become aware of your breath. Breathing in
calm, breathing out relax. You don't need to do anything with your
breath. Your body's got all that in hand. Just the same as relaxing
when we allow the body to do it. Our only job right now is to
be aware of what's happening. Aware of my voice. Aware of the room.
Aware of your muscles relaxing. Just aware that your whole
body in your breath is slowly relaxing and slowing down. And it's
doing it all naturally. You can gently close your eyes if you
haven't done already. Or just soften your gaze a few feet in front
of you. And just before we move into the actual practice, I
just want to talk a little bit, a little Dharma talk about the
difference between acceptance and letting go. But we just treat
this as an intro to the meditation. So just be aware of what
I'm saying in your breath. And there's a phrase that comes up in
meditation and in life. Let go. Let go of your thoughts. Let
go of your worries. Let go of your tension. And I've used it myself
in some of the teaching. But today I want to explore something
a little different with you. Because I think there's a more honest
and more helpful way to find this peace that many of us are longing
for in this crazy busy world. And here's what I've noticed, both
in my own practice and working with many others. When someone tells
you that you've got to let go of something, what actually happens
in your mind? Your brain has to grab hold of it first. And the
one thing you want to do is get rid of it. But we have to bring
it to mind. It has to be located. It has to be focused on.
And when we wonder whether we let go of something, we have to bring
it back into focus to see if we've stopped thinking about it.
It's a bit like telling someone, whatever you do, don't think
of a red balloon. There you go. So let's try a small experiment
together. Right now I want you to think of something that's been
on your mind recently. It doesn't have to be the biggest thing
in your life to let go. Just something that's been niggling you.
A worry or a confusion. A conversation that didn't go well
perhaps. Something quite unresolved. So when you've got it,
good. Now I want you to try to let it go. Push it away. Tell yourself
I'm letting go of this thought. Really try. Put some effort
into it. Force it out of your mind completely. Has it gone? So
how did that go? And if you're like most people, the thought is
still there. We have to check in to see whether the thought's gone
and maybe even more vivid than even before. The subconscious mind
and the body now thinks it's even more important. And now there's
a second layer on top of it. The frustration of not being able
to get rid of it. You try to let go. You've done it before and
the grip gets tighter. And just before we move to the practice,
here's why. When you think a thought just a few seconds your body
responds, an emotion arises. Maybe a tightness of the chest and
a knot in your stomach, a heaviness behind your eyes. That's
not just in your head. It's a real physical pathway and it's been
formed every time. It's chemistry, it's biology. It's what
the body does. Trying to force it away is like trying to unring
a bell. So if letting go doesn't quite work, what does? Acceptance.
And here's the difference. Letting go says, get rid of this.
Acceptance says, this is here. I see you. You can stay. It sounds
counterintuitive. Why would you invite an uncomfortable thing
to stay? Remember the moment you stop fighting it? Something remarkable
happens. The tension around it begins to soften. Not because you
forced it, but because you stopped adding fuel to it. The struggle
was the fuel. Take that away and what's left? Just what is. And
let me show you what I mean. So bring your attention back to your
breath. Breathing in calm, breathing out relax. Allow your body
to relax because by now your shoulders are probably tensed a little.
We don't need to put much effort into this. We just allow this
moment to be. And now gently I'd like you to bring back that same
thought you had from a moment ago. The niggling thing. The worry
or frustration. Let it come. Don't chase it. Just let it arrive.
Like someone knocking on your door, I guess. And now notice what
happens in your body. Where do you feel it? Is there a tightness
somewhere, a warmth, a heaviness? Maybe it's in your chest,
maybe your jaw. Maybe there's a tightening somewhere in your jaw
or your shoulders. Don't judge it. Don't try to change it. Just
notice. Now instead of trying to push this feeling away and adding
more tension to it, I want you to just do something different. I
want you to turn towards it. Just gently. Like you turn towards
a friend who's upset. Not to fix them, but just to sit with them.
And say quietly in your mind, I see you. You're here. And that's
okay. Notice what happens. You might feel the sensation shift slightly.
It might soften. It might move. It might stay exactly where
it is. All of that is fine. You're not trying to change it. You're
just being with it. Now let's try the other approach again. Just
briefly so you can feel the contrast. Take that same feeling
and try to push it away. Clench against it. Tell yourself,
I don't want this. Go away. I'm letting go of you. Can you feel
that? Feel how your body tenses up. Feel how the struggle
creates its own kind of power and its own strength. The tightness
isn't coming from the original thought. It's coming from the resistance.
From that little tug of war that you've declared in your own
experience. It's like you're the one pulling both ends. Now let
that effort go. Stop pushing. And come back to the open approach.
Soften your jaw. Soften your shoulders. Let your hands relax.
And say again quietly, this is here. I see you. And that's okay.
Now imagine your hands in your mind's eye. And that just means imagining
seeing your hands in your head. And see them clenched up into
tight fists. That's what the forcing feels like. All that energy
spent gripping, holding, and pushing. And now slowly see those
fists open. Those hands open finger by finger. Until the palms
are facing upward, open and soft. Not throwing anything away.
Not clenching anymore. And this is acceptance. It's not giving
up. It's not saying the situation is fine or that your feelings
don't matter. It's simply choosing in this moment to stop adding
struggle to whatever's here. And in that choice, something loosens.
Something breathes. Something frees up. Now let the thought drift
into the background. You don't need to push it. You don't need to
hold it either. Just let your attention gently return to your body.
To the weight of you sitting or lying here. To your breath. Moving
in and moving out. And notice your chest or your belly. Is there
a little more space than when you started? Even just a fraction.
The space wasn't created by force, it was just an opening to
this moment, an acceptance. And let's rest together for a moment
in this stillness, in this acceptance. There's nothing to fix,
nothing to force, nothing to let go of. I will keep an eye on
the time. There is just this, you, breathing, being here. And as
I count back from five, we'll just come back to the room. So five,
four, just gently shake out your arms, wiggle your fingers. Three,
just gently open your eyes. Two, look around. And one, just take
a little deeper breath and feel like you're really present back
here now. So you'll notice the difference between trying to let
something go, trying to force it and just allowing it to be what
it is. And it takes less control over your body. It takes
less control over you. It takes a lot less effort. And eventually
your body just lets it go anyway. That's where the peace lives.
Not in the forcing, but in the opening up. Thank you for practicing
with me and take care of yourself. And just a reminder that
these meditations are brought to you free by the people that donate
and support me, just by donating for a coffee. Just head
over to stevenwebb.com, my other podcast, Stillness in the Storms,
and many other links, and you can contact me. And perhaps you got
an idea for a meditation yourself. Take care and thank you.
